Have you ever been faced with a man who confessed his feelings for you, borderline love struck, and felt paralyzed? Perhaps trapped even? You know how you should feel about this amazing person, willing to take a chance on you despite not really knowing everything you feel he should know about you. Yet you still find that you are unable to allow yourself to get attached and rely on him...

Is it your need for independence? Total self reliance keeping you from potential happiness? Or is it your instinct to protect yourself that is actually kicking in? He sings you a beautiful ballad depicting a story of ultimate happiness and a world without pain. The world he promises he can provide for you. Do you believe it? Or do you shrug it off as just another beautiful myth that would never-or could never come true?

Logic has almost no place in matters of the heart. Logically speaking I should turn tail and head for the hills far away from this man who comes off as a false prophet. However I find myself paralyzed in his presence fighting both my urge to sit and stay and my urge to turn and run. I am paralyzed by my inability to choose. I am torn and I know better but I seem to have submitted myself to an emotionally masochistic habit of "throwing myself under the bus" of certain failure.

God has a master plan for my life but it seems that my selfish nature and my chaotic mess of a brain has drowned out his voice. I cannot hear him and I know it is not by his doing but by my own. It is a constant struggle between us to assure he maintains control over my life. At times I find myself behind the wheel, embarrassed that I have yet again attempted to take matters into my own hands. Embarrassed that I have not had the courage to take that step he has been urging me to take out of fear of things he will not allow to harm me.

My goals cloud my brain. I want a husband, a family. Not now, but when? That is up to God alone. Yet I insist on keeping myself locked in the position that I am in right now. Every time I see no way out, he provides one but I still allow myself to be talked "logically" back into that same place. Logically talked out of my faith in God. There is very little logic in faith! I always remember later and kick myself harder while falling on my face at his feet to receive the forgiveness that was purchased for me long ago. Each time feeling less and less worthy. Like my forgiveness should have an expiration date.

I know I will never comprehend by any human device just how much he loves me and to what lengths he will go to keep me by his side. I just don't feel deserving and I guess that is a good thing because it keeps me humble. What now God? What place is there for me in your plan? Show me what I need to do and how I need to do it, please! Before its too late this time...

Amen